Xth december 2019.

..
the day you were born was one of the best days of my life...
and one of the worst -

it was the second time that i thought i had lost you.

i hardly remember the first time i saw your face,
but i know i saw you did not move and cry,

and i saw you were blue.

the second time - you had massive tubes in your tiny mouth -
and you cried and cried,
though no sound ever came out.

and so i was not allowed to feed you...
i was not supposed to yet.

and i could not anyway -
my breasts felt fucking useless -
so add in the pain and guilt only mothers who cannot feed their babies understand.

the fourth day...
well you ripped off the tubes before your paedia could.

and i heard your cry then -

the loudest of them all.

but it was like metallica's nothing else matters to my ears.

and nothing else mattered at that moment.

fifth day. sixth. seventh.
at home, baby-less. sleepless.

the fucking what-ifs.

the week you were born was without question the darkest time -
but probably ironically the only time i was ever hopeful
and maybe positive

and the time i was yet again reminded of papa's love for you and me...

and of the love and sincerity of everyone who came to see us.

and on this day, years ago...

we got to bring you home,
we got to lay you down on our little bed,
i got to feed you whenever you got hungry,
we got to hear you cry your brain-jamming cry,

we got to see you smile and hear you make weird noises,

i got to change your nappy every two hours
(forgive papa for never having ever touched your poo haha)

we got to smell and kiss your enormous head
and your tiny, fragile hands. and feet.

we got to watch you sleep and hear you breathe
and watch your belly move

and panic ever so slightly when we thought it didn't.

although i still was not sure i was doing it properly,
i was sure i was at my best...
and happiest.

and i will always remember that day
as i will always remember the day you were born...

and myabe always smile and cry at the same time at the memory
like the weirdo that i am.

and i hope you will someday know...

that although these days i sometimes complain
about your ear-splitting, mind-numbing cry,

i would give anything to hear it.

..