1.

..
it has been a month since...

my mama called me at two in the morning to tell me my papa had died.
(no, he did not 'pass away'.
he died.
he slowly bled to death.
no euphemisms for you.)

it has been a month since
my siblings and i quietly rode to the hospital in a taxi
whilst 'christmas won't be the same without you' played on the radio.

i wish i could say things have been easy the past thirty days
as they've been quite the opposite.

it has been hard...

to still keep on recalling the warmth of his head as i caressed it...
whilst wishing he'd just suddenly open his eyes and laugh
and say it was all a joke.

then to still remember the panic as the warmth of his head faded...
to remind me it was only my delusion of reprieve...

he was cold... he was gone...

he was truly dead.

it has been hard to wake up and forget
and then remember that i am now fatherless.

my heart breaks as i hold on to these words
that i wish i had said to him.
~ no, don't tell me that he can hear me now. ~

i wish i had said these words when he was still okay,
as that's the only time my words would have mattered.

it has been hard to keep imagining the what-ifs.
what if things played out differently,
what if...
what if...
what if...

it has been hard...
to hear how my mama and siblings cry when they're alone...

and all i can ever do is listen
as i am crumbling too...

it has been hard -
is the understatement of my year.

..
i am hardly religious.
but i honestly...

really used to like christmas...

🎶 'christmas won't be the same without you.
christmas won't be the same if you go.
all i need to see standing by my christmas tree (is you)
christmas won't be the same without you.' 🎶

oh christmas won't be the same without you.

..